Two

The librarian looked at the Captain.  ‘I’m not sure you understand.  These books’ she waved at the shelves ‘are for lending.  You can’t steal them, because then there would be nothing to lend.’
‘What care we for such things?’  said the Captain.  ‘We’d have the books!’
‘But you can have the books anyway, without going to the trouble of stealing them.’  The librarian was getting quite annoyed, and the pirates all tried to crowd behind the Captain in case she decided to throw one of the books which were lying on her desk.  ‘You can borrow them – all you need to do is join the library.’

The Captain narrowed his one eye.  ‘Join the library?  What madness is this?  We’re Pirates!  We belong to our ship and the sea and possibly the loyalty scheme at Mrs Miggins rum emporium.  We don’t join libraries.’
‘Then you can’t borrow books.’
The Captain did a quick count of his crew, and then turned back to the librarian.  ‘There are seven of us.  Seven hardened pirate kitties.  One librarian is no match for us!’

The pirates gave a whoop at this.  The Captain was right.  One little librarian kitty could hardly hope to stop them from despoiling the stacks, savaging the shelves and …
‘There is only one librarian on duty here.’  The librarian said.  ‘But there are plenty of staff in the building.  We have shelvers, assistants, senior assistants, librarians, all kinds, a mobile driver, and even a manager.  I can assure you that we can easily overpower your small crew of troublesome pirates.’

‘She’s right Captain.’  Cried the Mate.  ‘Such a posse of bookish minds would vanquish us for sure.’
‘Aye.’  Cried the deckhands.  ‘Let us go now – we could rob the bookshop instead.’
The Cook and the Cabin Boy nodded at this – the bookshop was notoriously lack in its security – to the extent that the Cabin Boy had got a job there last summer and they had managed to smuggle out everything bar the Jeffery Archers (they had enough fire wood) within a week.

But the Captain looked around the library, with its short shelves and tall ceilings and its books.  So many books.  More than he could read in a year at sea, more than the crew could read in ten years at sea.  He wanted these books, not to mention the huge cachet that would come from having stolen library books.  For literary pirates are a proud bunch, and there is no pirate more respected than he who has survived the den of the librarians and has the loot to prove it.

‘What sort of blood oath would you require?’  He asked the librarian.  Surely it would be fearsome, a trial of skill, agility, reading speed and comprehension.
‘Proof of your name and address.’ The librarian replied, before bending to dig around in the drawers of her desk for library cards.

‘Here’ cried the Cook and pulled up his shirt to show his shaven tummy, on which was tattooed a picture of the Pirate Captain’s ship.  ‘This be the Griddlebone, and I can attest that all here be crew aboard her.’
‘Aye’ cried the deckhands ‘and we have her flag – the skull and fish bones - tattooed on  our ears’
‘and I have a keyring’ said the Cabin Boy (who was too young to get a tattoo)

The librarian frowned.  ‘The computer doesn’t let me put tattoos as a proof of address.  Do you not have something normal – like a bill or driving licence?’
‘Normal?  We’re pirates!’  The Captain pointed his cutlass at the librarian.  ‘We don’t pay bills, or get licences!  We plunder the ferries of the English Channel!  We…’
‘We’ve got insurance.’  Said the Mate.  He pulled out a parcel of insurance documents out from his bag and gave them to the librarian.  ‘Dangerous business pirating.  Never know when you’ll slip on a bit of blood and do your back in.’
‘Aye.’  Agreed the Cook.  ‘tis a terrible trade to be in with regards to health and safety – what’s really needed is an effective union….’
‘No.’  The Captain glared at his crew.  ‘None of that talk now.  Tis bad enough we’re a workers cooperative without you getting all political as well.’